The Marvel Universe Championships
by Angelique Sauvegarde
Summary: Watch what happens when the heroes and villains of the Marvel Universe meet the world of competitive Irish dance. Chaos will ensue!


**Oireachtas Rince na Mairbhaoil**

Sean Cassidy

An Coimisiun le Rince Gaelactic

Cassidy Keep, Co. Mayo, Ireland

Dear Mr. Cassidy:

I write to you today regarding the recent disaster that was the Marvel Championships, and wish to convene an emergency meeting where we can discuss how to avoid future occurrences of all these problems.

I knew we might be in for trouble from the moment I arrived. The first thing I saw was evidence that Dazzler, the Human Torch, Sunfire, and Storm were once again trying to outdo each other in their efforts to produce the most blinding costumes. The Silver Surfer looked subdued next to the outrageous getups they designed. Of course, this didn't matter much to a couple of my fellow adjudicators, Cyclops and Daredevil, but the result was painful for the rest of us. I overheard complaints from many in attendance, particularly from Gambit, Wolverine, and Sabretooth.

Then there was the singing of the national anthems. Sean, please do not take this personally. You know how I've always said you shouldn't sing. The same goes for your daughter, Syrin. We still don't know when or even if the musicians will regain their hearing.

The lunch break was a nightmare. You know that you were required to feed the adjudicators. Suffice to say, you should have thought about Galactus' dietary requirements before selecting him to adjudicate.

Regarding stage construction, we really need to research ways to improve it. I don't care if that eight-hand team consisted of the Hulk, She-Hulk, The Thing, The Blob, Colossus, and three of those behemoth Asgardian ladies. And I don't care if they all fell on the slick Iceman created. A stage collapse is inexcuseable. And we may need to build a waterproof, self-heating dance floor in case Iceman tries this again.

Speaking of trying to gain unfair advantage, we will need to develop rules regulating the use of superpowers in competition. Granted, Spiderman was as entertaining as always, dancing on the walls and ceiling as well as the stage. The Wasp's slip jig was perfectly light and graceful. Sue Storm used her force fields quite effectively against aggressive competitors. Shadowcat performed with supreme confidence, merely passing through any dancer that got in her way. But only until she phased through the floor and landed in the hotel's laundry room. Mr. Fantastic, in the non-stop quest for higher kicks, got his foot entangled in the lighting equipment and was nearly electrocuted. We think Mystique was forging other dancers' identities, but we don't know for sure. Vertigo made all her competition ill, much to the dismay of the cleaning staff and anyone who had to dance on that stage later. And while the newly belted German champion, Nightcrawler, dominated the competition with his agility and teleportation, it was hard to actually see him dance through all his black smoke. (That, and I think he flirted far too much with the female adjudicators.)

We need to be consistent in enforcing rules that already exist. Ironman and Colossus were disqualified for using metal taps. However, I don't think Magneto could alternately get his leaps and clicks so high, and beat the stage into wood pulp unless he had some metal in his shoes.

Finally, certain TCRG's were interfering with the competition. In some cases, it was self-defeating. For instance, Dr. Doom was so insistent that his dancers look perfect before they step out onstage, that none of them reported on time to compete. He then blamed his dancers' disqualifications on anti-Latverian politics or whatever, filed a complaint, picked a fight with Captains Britain and America, and stormed out. And I suspect that all the girls in those beautiful Phoenix dresses were being aided telepathically and telekinetically by Jean Grey. She means well, but she really must learn to control herself. Then, when results were posted, we discovered much to our surprise that we had given Mastermind's dancers perfect scores in everything, even the competitions in which they didn't dance. However, none of that mattered, because at the end of the day, Beyonder swept in, declared himself Supreme and Omnipotent Lord of the Dance, and made off with all the awards, triggering a whole new spate of Secret Wars.

I would not mind adjudicating this event again. But to ensure the safety and sanity of future Marvel Championships, I feel we need to address these problems immediately.

Thank you,

Moira MacTaggart, ADCRG


End file.
